BOU

A lil P.S. (pre script): Bou means "mother" in Oriya. Get used to this word. I'll be using it left and right in this post and other posts, too. Its pronounced like "bow" (as in bow tie) and then "ooh" (as in ooh, Boris Kodjoe is fiiiine). Bow-ooh. Bou. Ready? OK. Read on...
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It's been some time since I've posted yet somehow I think you've managed without my wayward ramblings. I've accumulated blog juice in the interim. But I wanted my first post "back" to be a shout out to the woman who has gracefully and patiently put up with my punk ass for 33 plus years. Its time I gave my Bou props, and it seems particularly befitting coming off of this past Mother's Day weekend where I gave ample thought to how trifling my butt can be and how Bou has loved me unconditionally throughout the years.

We have a strong bond. We talk frequently and lovingly. Not much drama with my momma. Our conversations usually revolve around cooking, what we've created recently, unique ingredients we want to experiment with, or me getting her advice on how to recreate her recipes.

Lately though, I've used talk of recipes and cooking in lieu of answering questions about relationship and career choices. It diffuses, distracts, and diverts nicely. Bou will say something along the lines of "we know good, nice Doctor boy in New Jersey. You want to meet him?" This is what she asks. What I hear is do you want to meet the beginning of your slow and painful demise? So, its typically then that I'll say something along the lines of "Bou, before we talk about that, can you give me the recipe for your delicious, beloved, mouth-watering macha haldi pani?" Then BOOM! Bou is telling me in poetic detail how to temper the broth and gently pan sear the fish and when to add what and talks of meeting said snoozer boy are temporarily averted.

Real talk: I think half of the recipes I've collected over the years have been decoys for not having to discuss meeting some desi dude. For whatever reason, it usually works. My cookbook should really just be titled DECOYS: A collection of recipes from a single girl who uses cooking as a way to not have to answer questions about life when talking to her Mother.

A best seller?

Eh, a girl can dream...

Anyway, On the eve of Mother's Day I realized that I really do keep conversation with Bou too safe. I've never asked to have her insights on relationships and career. Its because I'm scared to hear what she really thinks perhaps knowing that it would highlight my own shortcomings as a person. I just assumed that if I asked to know what she thinks she would say something along the lines, though in her characteristically sweet and gentle way, of me needing to once and for all shut the hell up, pray, keep a normal 9 to 5 job, get married, pop out some children, make some curry, and call it a friggin' day.

So I figured I'd interview her. That would be my Mother's Day gift to her, you know, present her with an opportunity to tell me I suck. Priceless. And it'd be cheaper than sending flowers last minute.

When I told her that I had some questions to ask her and that I wanted to feature her responses in my blog she got very quiet and said, in classic Bou fashion, "What can I possibly say of worth that everyone will read?"

This is Bou, wisdom galore lurking under her bun, bindi, and bomkai sari but never giving her two cents stronger currency. Now my dad, bless his heart, is always all too eager to share his self professed pearls of wisdom and is in a frequent state of annoyance that his daughters don't ask his advice more. But not Bou. She tends to give advice about life with trepidation, never confident that her sixty plus years on this earth have afforded her the right to liberally opine and advise, probably because one particular dip wad of a daughter only ever asks for her to share her thoughts if its about food.

I assured her that I knew she had a lot to say and that quiet frankly I was disappointed in myself as a daughter and woman for having never asked her to share her thoughts more. I also had to break it to my dear, sweet, disillusioned mother that I was not a writer for, say, The New York times where my words held weight for the masses and that the throngs of people she assumed her words would reach were probably at best my one follower(shout out to Shriya Hota! God bless ya!) and my favorite ex, a certain Mr. Henry (Hi, Babe!).

 

(Real talk/side note: how the hell do bloggers gain followers? Is it that they don't ask how to do so mid-blog?)

Anyway, I told her the topics I wanted her motherly wisdom on were cooking, career, and relationships.

What I assumed would be cookie cutter answers were actually nuanced and deep. Somewhere, over the years, my conservative, Indian, Hindu momma had morphed into the Original Mistress of Spices, a sorta hippie of sorts admiring passion, truth, and independence, yet giving due props to practicality and security. So here we are, a transcript of what Bou said, translated for your consumption.


BOU ON COOKING

I was a psychology professor back in India and so sometimes I wonder where did that smart woman go? Did I waste my life coming to America and only taking care of the house and cooking? Sometimes I think of the number of meals I've cooked in a lifetime and I think is that all I had to offer?

Yet when I stand at the stove all that is stripped away and I lose myself in the cooking and it becomes like therapy for me. I approach each dish not as something just to put on the table but as a reflection of myself. I lose myself in the process and yet I'm still aware of it, still mindful of how and what I'm cooking. You kids use the word passion and I think it is what I have for cooking. It is only when I'm cooking that I truly feel free and happy. I see this passion in you, too. But you get too frustrated when your food doesn't taste good or doesn't turn out like mine. Don't! Think of the years I have on you!

As with everything in life, its all about timing and that's definitely the case with cooking. Stoves and ovens are calibrated differently. Recipes aren't always fool proof. So you have to understand your ingredients. Don't over think everything when cooking. That doesn't mean be absent minded either. But when a person over thinks, they overcook. Instead be present. Don't think, watch! Watch your food, notice the color and the aromas and you will never overcook. If you cook when absent minded, you will miss the cues your foods give you, particularly your spices. Spices always tell you when they are ready to be removed from heat. Be present when you toast your spices or you may as well not do it. It will ruin everything and impart bitterness. It doesn't matter what fancy ingredients you get if you don't know how to treat them. Respect the process. And cook with love, Soni.

 

BOU ON CAREER
Your generation is all about this passion. We were not like that growing up. We just did what we were told which is also not good. So at my age I have concluded that you should do something you love but you should be realistic also. I will never tell you to do something just for money. But  financial security is important, too. I know this sounds easy but really, its about finding the balance between passion and practicality. Think about what will make you happy but will also pay your bills and be good for your family so you are not constantly stressed about not being able to pay for your needs. Love what you do but also stay open to different tracks. If something doesn't work for you, be flexible. I'm not saying give up on life dreams but also don't exclude certain plans because you are so rigid.  Learn new things. Stay active. Always keep your mind engaged. It is something I regret not doing more. Exercise your mind. Stay active in your field yet keep an eye on other fields just because everything is so uncertain now days in this economy. Have options and plans. Times are different now. Before women would get married for financial security. Don't. Get married for partnership. Stand proud on your own two feet with YOUR career. If you know you want to write and cook then be the best writer and cook you know. And pray. Always have faith. Try your best, do what you need to do for advancement in a honest way, and pray. Praying never hurt anybody! 


BOU ON RELATIONSHIPS
Your generation thinks about love and commitment differently these days, whether its here or in

India. It seems now days people are hesitant to not only believe in the sanctuary of marriage, but also the sanctuary of love. Love stories are a lot more complicated these days because your generation no longer believes in one love or life partner. You all have multiple love stories in one lifetime. Sometimes you all have multiple love stories simultaneously! 

Obviously I don't want my girls to cheat and I don't want your man to cheat on you. But these days, your generation's needs are different. It seems more and more you father and I hear about relationships in your generation falling apart because some one cheated. So if you're going to do that, if you are going to go outside of your relationship, be honest with your partner. And encourage him to be honest, too. If you are going to be with other people while you are in a relationship ask yourself why you need that and tell your partner why you need to do that. It is hard but you have to have honest talks about dishonest desires and then whatever happens happens. Always put honesty and communication before looks and romance. A strong character is something I want you to look for. Will he take care of you? And in turn, will you take care of him? Will you both help one another be better, stronger people? These are things to think about. And again pray. Always pray that you will make sound decisions in your relationship.

BOU ON LIFE IN GENERAL
Always think how you can make other lives better and include yourself in that, too. What I mean by this is learn to take care of yourself and improve the lives of others, too, be it the well being of your partner, your child, or your community. I did a lot for your father and for you girls which I'm proud of but, sometimes I would ignore my own health. That is not good. Again, it is about balance. If you don't take care of yourself, you cannot be the best you for your loved ones and to pursue your own work.

And finally Soni, never hurt anybody. Sometimes we do so unknowingly. But always stay aware of your words and actions and think will this improve some one's life or disrupt it? Am I helping or hurting someone by doing or saying this? Your are a loving person with strong faith. Don't lose those traits. They will take you further than you now realize. And finally, what else can I say? Always call and visit your Bou, Soni!

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I choked up. This woman, MY BOU, is more than a living library of tasty tarkari recipes. She is more than the perpetually turmeric stained fingers she rocks from always cooking. She is all about yet so much more than her husband and three daughters.

She asked how she did on her interview. Of course, because I fluently speak sarcasm in particular when I'm emotional, I said "all noted, Bou. I promise to never over-toast my cumin and, I promise that I'll cheat on my husband because my mommy told me I could, and pray that he won't get too mad when I tell him!"

She sighed and told me I was useless. Then I realized this wasn't the moment to be jackass Soni. So I assured her that I was kidding and that her words mean the world to me (they really do), and that I'm proud to be her daughter. I also confessed that lately I've been putting off certain conversations with her and that I could benefit from asking for her advice more in the future, not just about cooking but about LIFE in general. I told her I really wanna talk more openly and that I really do love her and value her insights.

Then my dad got on the phone and asked if I wanted to meet " a good handsome Indian boy" that came highly recommended by their friend's sister's neighbor's mailman's second cousin's tailor. Or something. Maybe later, I said, but first I need to get Bou's recipe for kankada tarkari for my blog...

Old habits die hard, Loves - I'm a work in progress!

Check back tomorrow for Bou's recipe for kankada tarkari (crab curry). And remember, LIVE THE SPICY LIFE... but call ya momma in between all the merrynading!

 

A HAPPY BELATED MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL YOU BOUS OUT THERE!

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