I weighed his words, hesitant to readily give validation though I knew he was right.This was the Ex that I referred to in my last post, Loves, when I told you there's a story to my crab curry. What I really meant is that I have a story about Crab Curry, a person. He is the Cadillac of all Exes, his story, his presence. He has been in my life for the past three years pretty much unconditionally. In the amount of time that I've known him, we've been exes longer than not. And we're better off that way.
Though it wasn't always like that. At one point I entertained the idea of him being THE ONE. Then I found out that I was his "one" out of, umm, like ten. It was me, his wife, his girlfriend, and a bevvy of other women. For real FOR REALS.
Crab Curry is fodder for a Paulo Coelho novel. He travels the world, has lovers on every continent (Columbus' penchant for exploration and new worlds would probably pale in comparison), and could easily hack his way into your life with either his technological prowess or by simply smiling. Shady, right?
Yes. But no.
There's heart there. And depth. And he really does have the ability to love more than one and love well (not to mention often).
When I'd first found out of his multi-amorous proclivities, I was the classic tale of a woman scorned. It was not an immediate Kumbaya, take me to your leader, I still love you reaction on my part, trust me. But I would be lying if I didn't confess that I was jealous when I learned of the colorful life he had lead unbeknownst to me. The jealousy, however, was not entirely of the other women, but because he beat me to the punch in living a lifestyle I had flirted with but had not taken on with full vigor.
Eventually we became friends, each other's confidants really, as Life threw curve balls with the death of loves ones, divorce, financial woes, heartache, and health scares, not to mention numerous dating escapades on both our parts that often times served as field research for our desire to intellectualize our relationship with, well, Relationships. Is this rapport normal given the history? Eh. Does it provide a comfort akin to a bowl of piping hot crab curry? Damn skippy.
You see, my friendship with Crab Curry offers me not just a glimpse but, a full on view into the world of juggling parallel universes. There is strange comfort in knowing what's out there, that ish can be all kinds of fucked up in, dare I say, an almost poetic way. Then again, I'm a sucker for good stories, be it the ones I live out or are told. Perhaps it was reading too much Anais Nin and Milan Kundera in my formative adult years, but I have always suspected that when it comes to matters of the heart, we aren't necessarily destined for one path with one person, though we certainly have the power to will it so with the choices we make.Interestingly enough, after I found out years ago that Crab Curry was a playa of epic proportions, it appears that I've become the cheating whisperer. If people were going to cheat, were thinking about cheating, or had cheated, they would confide in me. Its as if the universe repeatedly put the reality of infidelity on my cosmic radar. (Real talk: It happens more than you think, Loves, and by god-fearing, tax paying, law-abiding, family-oriented citizens, and not just by the ilk of Crab Curry and moi!)
I saw relationships and marriages, "good" ones marred with the reality of one or both parties, not only having wandering eyes, but body parts. It had me further questioning not only the principles of fidelity but the pretense of normalcy shrouded it. Were we setting ourselves up for failure? Did Crab Curry have it right all these years? Was his greatest mistake not that he had cheated but that he wasn't honest about not subscribing to the notion of one person at a time from the get go? As long as its all put on the table, was there perhaps beauty and wisdom in open relationships?
Fast forward to my recent dinner with Crab Curry and our discussion of the aforementioned matters. We discussed if we were cut out for conventional relationships, mainly having ONE significant other without the security of a lot of insignificant others on the side. We concluded that no, he probably couldn't do it, though he was growing tired at the rigmarole of coddling multiple love stories (I honestly don't know when he finds time to work and he's quite successful in his career, mind you!).
As for me? Well, let's just say been there, done that, but its no longer the more the merrier. When it comes to deep romantic relationships, I suspect that quantity and quality are mutually exclusive. My idea of love need not result with the conventional accessories of a coupledom i.e. a house, minivan, and children necessarily. But I do hope to share thoughts, space, livelihood, and true companionship with a soul, you know a cosmic I got your back/you got mine understanding with another person, with ONE other person. Why the sudden shift?
I honestly don't know. Maybe I'm getting older. Or just tired. Its challenging enough finding the energy to make my dreams come true in my career, to keep up with my family and myriad friends, to work out daily, to enjoy my hobbies, to write a blog. Sometimes I already feel I'm spreading myself thin. I can't afford to go thinner! As for open relationships, well, its hard enough trying to peg a solid "closed" relationship. An open one just seems like too much work!So there you have it. Perhaps its as simple as me sucking with time management. You do have to be organized to cheat or live an open lifestyle and well, time or energy management for that matter have never been a particular strong suit for this gal.
In my course of edifying relationship puzzles, I'll recap what Bou said in an earlier post:
If you are going to go outside of your relationship, be honest with your partner. And encourage him to be honest, too. If you are going to be with other people while you are in a relationship ask yourself why you need that and tell your partner why you need to do that. It is hard but you have to have honest talks about dishonest desires and then whatever happens happens. Always put honesty and communication before looks and romance. A strong character is something I want you to look for. Will he take care of you? And in turn, will you take care of him? Will you both help one another be better, stronger people? These are things to think about. And again pray. Always pray that you will make sound decisions in your relationship.
Amen.
What Bou didn't verbalize but what I think is equally important is giving value to making sound decisions before even entering a relationship, be it a closed, opened, traditional, or nontraditional. Maybe the soundest of sound decisions is deciding, not only who you wanna be with, but really stepping back and thinking why you want/need to be in a relationship, in what capacity, and if applicable, to what end. I would like to think settling down doesn't mean settling for. The jig is up, Loves. I'm a closet hopeFUL romantic. (Don't tell the Indian community else they will never let up on me on this whole marriage thing!)
So, the take away? Hell, I'm hoping you can tell me. For now we'll say its know thyself before ya know another. Perhaps check yo self before you wreck yo self? Hmm.
As usual, I have more questions than answers but perhaps the best way for this Searcher to arrive at some conclusions is to finally put all my eggs in one basket. After all, what's the fun in being an armchair philosopher? Same goes for an armchair lover. And if I get burned, well, there's always refuge in Bou's crab curry, right?Do YOU still want something on the side?
Check back in tomorrow for side dishes that will go with all your curries!
To each their own. Love and learn. LIVE THE SPICY LIFE!
No comments:
Post a Comment