Shrimp: The Lying Won't Get Laid!

 

Dear Men who lie about your height on online dating profiles,

 

Don't look around, you know who you are. You're that guy who posts you're 5'7 on your online profile when in reality, you're anywhere from 5'3 to 5'5.

 

For some reason you think writing 5'7 will be acceptable (which it is but only if that's really your height!) and that perhaps:

a.) you'll experience a growth spurt before your date and actually hit said height

b.) the woman will be so clueless she won't notice your missing inches

c.) we'll always be sitting down, or ahem, lying down for that matter, so we won't know you're Frodo without the blingy ring.

 

Perhaps one or all of the above? So, umm, how's that been working for you so far? How's it feel to lure us on dates only for us to get there and think, wait, where's the rest of him?

 

Now look, at 5'3, 5'4 at best when I rock my big Bollywood-Nashville hair, I'm hardly one who has has the "right" to turn my nose up at fellow shorties, male or female. Since as long back as I can remember, my older sister called and still calls me chinguree ("shrimp" in Odiya) because of my short stature. So yes, in theory, I should be OK with taller-than-me men, who, let's face it, are THE majority of men.

 

But no, on my wish list, I prefer my men not just taller, but tall. Maybe I have a secret desire to feel protected (yes, I know, icky). Maybe I'd like a man who can get stuff down for me from the top-most shelf in my kitchen without a step ladder (they're quite cumbersome to store in New York apartments, yes? I mean a ladder, not a man.) Maybe its because my people come from a country that doesn't particularly excel at creating tall people, hence the allure. Oh, I dunno. And you're not clueless. You know that a lot of women are attracted to tall men so perhaps you're thinking hmm, I can't stretch myself, so I'll stretch the truth online.

But dude, I won't speak for every woman, but for many, these are preferences, not deal breakers. It's like your preference for your date to look like Miranda Kerr. Would you desire that? HELL YEAH. But what your date lacks in Miranda Kerriness, just like you lack in height, can be made up in charm, in humor, in compassion, in being educated, in being soulful, in having goals. In being, here's a thought, truthful. Personality still goes a long way in this day and age, trust me.

 

You see, the deal breaker isn't that you're short. The deal breaker is you lied and about something that, durrr, we're gonna find out/notice. Give us credit and, give your personality (if in fact you have a good one) more credit, not your height more inches.

 

(Side note: While we're on the subject of inches, its just never wise to lie about it pertaining to anything across the board. Buyer's remorse sucks.)

 

Now look, I have faith that you're gonna stop polluting the e-waves with your false advertising. So you get back online and put your real height. You know what, while you're at it, tell us if you're really married, really have kids/baby mama-drama, if you still live with your parents, and dude, most importantly, if you really read AND loved the Alchemist as much as you claim (this is something both you and your taller counterparts claim which is highly suspect when professed on such a large scale. Did GQ magazine advise you all to do this???).

 

Anyway, bottom line, you don't have to be tall to stand tall.

 

BOOM! You've been educated. Class dismissed!

 

Sincerely,

Woman who does not like men who lie about their height on their online dating profiles

-------------------------------------------------------------

And honestly, Dear Readers, I have nothing against short men. If I were to play off of past posts, I would say save the shrimp for your curry, obviously insinuating a short man to be a shrimp. But I'm not gonna say that. 

 

What I will say is save the lying shrimp for your curry, which really makes no sense but I'm really trying to do the whole match a recipe to the theme of the post so it all "works" so, yeah....

 

*Crickets chirping.*

 

Here you go, our family recipe for chinguree bhaja tharkari (shrimp-fry curry).

 

Eat, drink, and stand tall no matter what your height.

Live the spicy life!

 









Lying Shrimp Curry

serves 4

 

What you need to throw down:

• 9 ounces white shrimp, cleaned
• 1/2 plus 1/4 teaspoon ground turmeric
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1/2 teaspoon whole cumin seeds
• 2 bay leaves
• 2 green cardamoms, crushed
• 1 cinnamon stick, crushed
• 1 small onion, sliced thin
• 2 teaspoons ginger-garlic paste
• 2 teaspoons ground coriander
• 1/2 small tomato, diced small
• 1/2 cup tap water or unsalted seafood stock
• 1/4 teaspoon garam masala
• 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro (leaves only)

How to throw down:

1. In mixing bowl, combine shrimp, 1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric, and salt and set aside.
2. Heat 1 tablespoon canola oil over high heat in a heavy-bottom pot. Once hot (about 1 minute), add shrimp to pot and saute for only 2 minutes. Remove shrimp from pot, keeping the pot on high heat.
3. Add remaining 1 tablespoon canola oil to pot, followed by cumin seeds, bay leaves, cardamon, and cinnamon. Saute for 2 minutes.
4. Reduce heat to medium. Add onions to pot. Saute until golden brown, or for 5 minutes.
5. Add ginger-garlic paste, ground coriander, and remaining 1/4 teaspoon ground turmeric to pot and mix for 2 minutes.
6. Add tomatoes, water/stock, and garam masala. Increase heat to high and simmer for 4  minutes.
7. Reduce heat to medium-high. Add shrimp and cook for 3 more minutes.
8. Remove shrimp curry from heat and transfer to serving dish. Garnish with cilantro.